Four weeks ago, when I moved to university and lived in a dormitory, the relationship with my partner has been turned upside down. Our most precious thing is the moments when we live together as a family. Those moments are the time we cook together in the small but cozy kitchen; curled up on a blue sofa; smell the aromatic from bread being baked; quietly watched my lover make Ikebana. Our home became my safe haven. It suddenly shattered into a million pieces at the moment I walked out of the house with my suitcase.
Two years ago, I fell in love
when I watch him make Ikebana.
Unconsciously, I immediately dated new people and desired to find another shelter. But even by their side, the lonely fear within me was still tormenting. And I realized, if I don't love myself, how can I find inner peace?
The question to self-love
I think the answer is always inside. The moments when I feel insecure. I asked:
- How do I feel?
- Why do I have that feeling?
- Where did it come from?
- What are my core values?
- Which action should I choose to live with my true values?When I spend about 10 minutes thinking about it, it gives me some buffer time to act less unconsciously. It comes from the Choice Point Model - a psychotherapy form of behavioral psychology.
Definition: The Choice Point is about identifying the hundreds of moments in a day where we can be on autopilot and be driven by thoughts and feelings, or we can make a conscious, deliberate choice that is in the service of our values (source). This video is a simple explanation of it:
Practice the Choice Point
I. Find out what happened.
How do I feel?
From deep inside, I still exist some cognitive patterns "I think I'm stupid, I feel incomplete, I feel I am not worthy of love, I am a heartless person."
Why do I have this feeling?
On the one hand, I have a defect in family values, how to learn to love myself, and be open to others. I shared this feeling in a recent article: Open my heart
What really happened?
I feel insecure because those negative emotions persist in me, not because of the change in my relationship. The change of an event is inevitable, and I can see it from a positive perspective. It can help me better understand this relationship by getting rid of physical contact and questioning our relationship's true meaning. Why do we need each other? What kind of relationship do we want to build? What makes us feel safe, happy? How can we flourish together? And how do we learn to adapt to change?
After all, the family is not a physical place (the husband and wife can still fight while in the same house). A family should be a spiritual value that two people want to build.
II. Which way do I want to go?
What are my core values?
Although I do not know how to open myself and sincerely take care of others, I think what I aim for is living a thoughtful life. A thoughtful life is about understanding myself, accepting my shortcomings, and keep improving.
I'm also curious about "Do I truly need a lover and family?". It brings to the next question, "Can I choose to live a life without being tied to romance but devote myself to study religion and learn knowledge?" At that path, I can focus my energy on building community and teaching others instead of wasting energy on sexual desires and family bonds. That life can be a noble and magical path like Saint Augustine (which I mentioned in this week's post)
Which action should I choose to live with my true values?
Although I don't know which direction I need to go yet, I think it's helpful to reflect like this. And the second useful thing is to keep concentrate on religious practice and learning at university. And when I have the chance to talk to my partner, I will cherish those moments by listening and loving, rather than being angry and jealous.
A brilliant flower
And an essential thing that is I should always remind myself: "I deserve to be loved."I should give me a chance to believe in myself. Last night, I was touched when my partner sincerely said: "You are a vibrant flower bud, be confident in yourself. One day, you will bloom into the most brilliant flower!"
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